Leaving the House with a Baby- A Monologue

“Right my darling, we need to head into town to get a few bits done, and you can have a lovely nap in the pram. Sound good? Oh, lovely smile, clever girl. Right, let’s get ready.

Let me just get- no no NO! Don’t try and lick the doggie, he probably won’t like that…or you poking him in the face. In fact, let’s just put him out in the hallway whilst we sort you out, shall we? Right, that’s better.

So, let’s get you layered up, it’s cold out there. Where’s your cardigan? And your hat?! I’m sure I left them on the sofa. Hang on, let me just put you in the Jumperoo whilst I check the stairs. No, don’t cry like that, I’ll literally be two seconds… Pickle, honestly two secs, I promise. Where is that bloody cardigan?! It was here earlier…not on the stairs, not on the dining table…Pickle, don’t cry I’ll be back in a minute!!! Where’s the sodding- ¬†Aha, there it is, next to the kettle. Of course. Right, I’m coming! I’m coming. Oh little one, I’m back now. I’m here. Well actually, just need to assemble the pram. Kissy, Kissy? Good girl. Right, two ticks.

Ugh, why can’t the hall be big enough to leave the sodding pram in?! Carting this stuff back and forth is such a ball ache, if there was- URRRRGH!!! Some kind of mud or turd on the wheels! Pickle, please don’t cry. Two secs, two secs! Urgh, got the mud-turd on the wall. Where are the fffff-flipping wet wipes? Kind of just smearing it in…hmm. I’ll sort it out later. Right, the wheels are up- great, good stuff. Pickle, I’m just getting the seat bit, then we can get you all snuggled up, can’t we? Just hang on, don’t cry my darling. Where’s the sodding changing bag?! Baby, don’t cry! Please! Good girl. Oh, will you just bloody CLICK INTO THE WHEELS YOU ARSE!!! Good, right. There we go my lovely, let’s get you out of there and into your cardigan.

Sweetheart, bend your arm for me. No, bend. Bend. No, that’s stretching. Bend it. Bend it. Still stretching. Bend your arm, darling. Bend it. Bend it. Bend it. Bend-That’s it, well done. And the other one. And the other one. Bend it. Don’t stretch it. Bend it. Bend. Bend it. Bend it……….bend. That’s it! Clever girl! Right, lets just- OOOOOOF! Sicky-sick! Sicky-sick…. all down mummy’s top. Never mind, never mind, we can just rub that in, we just won’t get too close to anyone. Where are those wet wipes? Don’t cry. Never mind, we’ll do it later, don’t cry.

Right, into the pram. OK, bend your arm for the strap. Bend. Bend it. Bend it. Oh forget it, we’ll do it outside. Where’s Snuggie? Oh balls, where IS Snuggie?! Hang on darling, just need to pop into the lounge. Look, here’s Owly, you LOVE Owly, lovely Owly. Good girl. Oof, bloody dog! Sorry Lou, didn’t mean to trip over you. Good boy. Right, Snuggie. Where are you, you sodding sod?! Snuggie? Aha! Under the wheely ladybird, of course, where else?!

Right, we’re set.

Darling, if you keep sticking your fingers that far into your mouth you’re going to be sick. Darling don’t, you’ll be- great, where’s that muslin? Let’s get you cleaned up- no, don’t claw mummy’s eye. No, no, no, let go. Let go! Good girl. Ok, almost there. Right, you’re all tucked in. Yes, that’s a lovely raspberry. Clever girl. Balls, your hat. Where’s your hat? Hang on, two ticks, two ticks!!! Don’t cry, sweetheart! Where the arse is the arsing hat?! Normally can’t move for fffff-flipping hats! Everywhere I look there’s- Don’t cry daaaaarrrrllliiiinnng!!! Aha, under the sofa. Gotcha!

Right, we are good to go. There we are, all suited and booted. Here we go then, let’s close the door behind us. Oof, gently down the steps. Oops, sorry that was a bit bumpy, wasn’t it! I’m missing something…. something’s not right… THE DOG! Crap. Two ticks darling, two ticks! Why can I never get this key in first sodding time?! Don’t cry, darling! Come on, Lou. Good boy. Good boy. Right…right. Sorted.

Off we go, then. Off we go.”


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